I’ll keep it short and sweet because to dive into the details would curtail my energy, and worst of all, remind me of all the pain I am in.

As Alice chose to follow the rabbit down the rabbit hole, I also chose my path.  I took the plunge and fell in love, moved in with him and thought that we would be happy forever.  Little did I know that my trip had just begun.

I stuck it out through 3 breakups, all of which were initiated by him.  We knew what our issues were and made promises to each other that we would work together to fix them.  For 2.5 years we were together, struggling a lot, but with many happy times in between.  I was determined.  This was the path I was meant to take.  This was the relationship I wanted to be in because it held so much promise; because I was promised so many things, and made promises too.

Sadly, a 4th breakup ensued and it truly marked the end of a chapter for us both. I moved on, lost 45lbs and started dating someone else. Prince (not so) Charming knocked up some girl from Rossland 5 months after we broke up and just had the kid end of March. (Dodged that bullet, fer surrrrrrrrrrre!)

As I mentioned I started dating someone else, and that just ended Saturday! It was a year or so long relationship that was overflowing with his issues from the past that manifested a cancer that ran throughout our relationship.

So…here I am, at square one again, and never been happier!

Yet again, this blog will morph into whatever form suits me in this new chapter. I’m now a single girl, with a single girl apartment, doing single girl things…

In fact, a boy just asked me out! Teehee!

I came to this realization tonight, home from school, in bed with my boyfriend, middle of the night, right side of the bed.  It dawned on me, we’re not happy.  Not in this situation, not presently as a couple.  I tried to search for answers, tried to hide it, tried to just make the unhappiness go away.  Then all of a sudden the conversation in my head went like this:

Me:  “Why am I SO unhappy?!”

Mind:  “Maybe it was something you ate…or didn’t eat…you know, you didn’t eat today.”

Me:  “You’re right, but this stems from something deeper than hunger.”

Mind:  “I know.”

Me:  “So why can’t I figure it out!?”

Mind:  “You’re looking in all the wrong places, that’s why.  Forget about everything else and focus on yourself for once.”

Me:  “Um…ok.  But…uh…what did I do to make myself so unhappy?”

Mind:  “Remember, change starts with yourself.”

Me:  “Right.  But I still don’t know what it is…”

Mind:  “Focus, on yourself.”

Me:  “Oh.”

Mind:  “Get it?”

Me:  “Um…yeah!  Actually…no.”

Mind:  “You’re a PEOPLE PLEASER you idiot!!!  Get it!?  FOCUS ON YOURSELF!!!”

Me:  *Gasp!*  “Oooooh!  I get it!  Oh.  I get it now.  This sucks.”

My mind was trying to remind me that, although ensuring others are happy first is a great thing, it is also the worst thing if you don’t ensure your own happiness first.  So all this time I’ve been with my boyfriend, I’ve jumped in with two feet trying to make sure he’s happy.  Trying to feed, clothe, help and love him over and above anything I would do for myself.  I’ve stayed here, at his house, having had him ask me to, but I’ve done it for him.  I managed to throw my responsibilities to the wind, (nearly my education, dental coverage, surgery and place to live too), and not paid attention to what I needed to do for myself.  I’ve been irresponsible, wreckless and careless with myself, my family and my boyfriend.  Can you imagine all this started from trying to please everyone around me?

I guess it goes without saying that in the process of trying to please those around me that I’ve instead managed to upset the masses.  How does Alice go from helping paint the roses, to beheading?  Let me tell you.  Giving people what you think they will be happy with, (painting the white roses red), when in fact you do not have that to give is like bait and switch.  So yes Alice, you did make a mistake; an illegal one at that.

As I moved in with my boyfriend, after he asked me to, I did it for him.  I knew I couldn’t reeeeeeeallly move in.  I could stay here all the time, but not move in.  I have no job, only savings to cover me through the months of school.  He said it was no problem, that he didn’t want rent, just groceries now and then and a tidy house.  No problem, I thought.  But after a while the arguing started, from nothing to everything all at once.  Until it hit me tonight.  Just because I want to be here, he wants me to be here, doesn’t mean this is where I’m supposed to be.  And if I know I can’t stay here, why do I continue to do so?  I don’t do it for me, because this makes things harder for me.  I do it for “us” and him.  I try to please my boyfriend by being here, with him.  But I also try to please my family and parents by being there, with them.

Unfortunately I have a complicated case.  I’m in school, I have braces, and I need surgery, which are all paid for by my divorced parents.  In the event that I “move out”, my Dad will sever my funds for school and dentistry.  This, as you can see, can not happen.  I need those things.  So I need to stay home.  I need to live at home.  Simple as that.  Stop doing what other people want me to do, stop trying to please those around me, and find true happiness in getting all of this done, and then making decisions that look out for my own best interests.

I think I’ve finally navigated through the rabbit hole, woken up and realized that home is where I want to be.

To add fuel to the fire, ANOTHER friend is engaged…and put up engagement photos.  *BARF*  I don’t know why it bothers me so much, I mean, its happy!  I just…I dunno.  I don’t have the best feelings towards marriage and seeing people so happy with each other just makes me feel like, first of all, I may not ever be able to have that, and second, that it’s such bullshit.  My boyfriend and I have pretty different opinions on marriage, pre-nups (obviously), and everything else.  I think it stems from trust issues on both our sides but that’s besides the point.

Anyway, my confidence sucks, my attitude sucks, being stuck in this house sucks and I’m already feeling crazy and the snow hasn’t come yet.  Awesome.

Reality check #1: You cannot lose weight sitting on your ass, smoking weed and mowing down on salty foods.

Ok, so how do I get the colar bone definition, smaller waist, toned arms and hot legs?  Easy!  Hello!  Yoga, walks, eating properly, working out, and drinking lots of water.  So what gives!?!  Is motivation just not in my DNA or what?  Fuck.  I could beat myself up for being a little heavy all day but can’t manage to find the same enthusiasm to focus on actually looking and feeling better.

Well, if my brian won’t actively and automatically think about getting exercise, eating properly and doing things for myself, I’ll just have to make sure that I remind it everyday.  Post it notes are going to be my best friends very shortly.

My boyfriend is an Ironworker so he is constantly eating.  He needs foods that give him lots of energy, and he needs them almost all day long.  So what ends up in the fridge?  Ground beef, chicken, steak, lunch meat, cheese, eggs, pasta, and lots of bread (his favorite).  You can see how being a vegan with him around isn’t exactly easy.

I’ve managed to restrict myself from red meat so far.  No ground beef, steak, pork, even eggs have been cut out.  The only things I haven’t been able to cut completely have been chicken, cheese and cream cheese.  I mean, who can seriously cut out cheese!?!  Cheese goes on EVERYTHING!  Pizza, sandwhiches, crackers, broccoli, cassoroles, pasta, salad, poutine, nachos…I think you get the drift.  Anyway, I figure that maybe I would be able to cut out the chicken if I was able to have cheese…I mean, cheese isn’t animal meat, although yes, there are still a slue of hormones in it and its fatty, among other disgusting facts, but…its a start to becoming totally vegan right?

Anyway, this vegan diet thing has been so difficult lately that my boyfriend is, self admittedly, being a jerk.  For whatever reason the whole vegan thing is throwing him off and causing him major frustration.  He figures I can’t eat anything, then gets upset and, for lack of a better word, bitchy about it.  Obviously that is the meat eater in him, as he just can’t understand what kind of meal does not involve meat.  To be honest it’s pretty hard for me too.  I obviously am not used to eating NO meat, but I definetly haven’t been privy to vegan recipes or organic products, so it’s hard to just all of a sudden come up with vegan meals.

Here is where I ask those of you that read my blog for help.  Does anyone know of vegan product lines or stores in the Surrey/Langley/Whiterock area, or vegan foods that are available at local grocery stores such as PriceSmart, Save-on-Foods, Superstore, Safeway or IGA that you could recommend?  I’d really appreciate any recipes, meal ideas or whatever else you could suggest to help me get on track 

But I think it’s a good thing.  I mean, I’m at a crossroads in my life…I’m finishing school, I got kicked out, gotta start things on my own now!  It’s good!  And reading this book just solidifies that I need to get myself together and begin the process of figuring out life.  I just…I feel like I need to put myself in a place where real growth can happen…and I don’t mean depending on other people to support me so I can go frolic in a field of daisies…although that would be encouraging.  I mean real growth.  Independent growth.  Soul feeding, inspirational, feel-good, successful growth of self.

Keeks left a few weeks ago to go live back east in Kingston…she didn’t like the coast.  MissEmphasis lives on the island and scored killer seaside digs, and now Ahamtrying is spreading her wings to go live out in Kelowna…so where is my Ashram?  Where do I go to gain what my soul needs?  At this point in time it sure isn’t Italy, India or Indonesia…but I’m hoping that I figure it out sometime soon…perhaps all I need is a basement suite close to University?  Hmm…time to ask the universe…

The first few chapters go over the chemicals in food, FDA approved food, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Then, there is a chapter called “You Are What You Eat”…now this chapter is not for the faint of heart.  Let me tell you ladies, and gentlemen for that matter, that this chapter will change the way you look at food…FOREVER!  Lets just say that if you arn’t prepared to go totally vegan, and I mean on the spot, never touch the stuff again in your life, then don’t pick up this book until you are ready.  It may take a couple of reads before you can do it cold turkey, but trust me, the information these bitches give you is out of this world, and will definetly change your life.  I even got choked up.

Did you know that there are 150 KNOWN symptoms of the ingestion of aspertame in humans?!?!?  Thats just what we know so far…apparently there arn’t enough tests done to discover what other side effects and health issues occur with this stuff.  Splenda ain’t so splendid.  Also, it took 8 attempts by creators of the stuff to get aspertame approved by the FDA in order to put it in food products…and when the book explains how it came to be approved it is more than obvious that someone was paid off to approve it.  This makes me more than uncertain that our government and regulating agencies are looking out for the “greater good”.  This is just a small taste of what these bitches have in store for you if you read the book.

I suggest you get your fat ass down to a book store and purchase one…you’re not getting any skinnier reading my blog.

I’ve been “living” with my boyfriend pretty much the last 5 months because I just can’t stand to be at home.  My brother is an alcoholic and occassional drug user and his presence in the house, and my life, was becoming too much to deal with.  My brother is 21 and has been smoking, drinking, and using drugs since he was 13.  You name it, he’s done it.  His addiction, in my opinion, is quite severe.  He has tried most everything once, blacked out countless times to the point where he doesn’t even recall what drug he might have taken, been dropped at our doorstep unconcious, destroyed our house, even almost burnt it down by leaving the gas stove on, then going out to the hot tub and falling asleep.  He’s hosted parties where people urinate on our walls, spill beer and put their smokes out in our carpet.  He’s told me countless stories of his adventures downtown, panhandling to get home, staying at homeless shelters and waking up in alleys.  He’s stayed in abondoned buildings and brought home contagious skin conditions that the whole family eventually ended up contracting.  He’s stolen from me, my other brother and my parents.  He’s left for a night out with friends and didn’t come back for days without calling or any other contact.  He’s been physically abusive, mentally and emotionally abusive to everyone in our family, and I have had enough.

As you can see, it’s no wonder I preferred staying with my boyfriend rather than with my family.  The worst part of it all is that my Mom is 100% enabling him.  She lets him control the entire family with his addiction and I have constantly been taking the brunt of it for him.  Once my brother had a party where people were trashing the house as I had mentioned earlier.  I was at work until 1am at the Keg.  My mom and step dad came home early that night and ended up sending everyone home.  When I came home from work I went straight to bed and woke up the next morning to a “family meeting” in which I was blamed for not knowing about the party he threw and how I should have known.  I got in more trouble than he did!  Here I was, at work, earning my own fucking money, being responsible, and he throws a party and I’M the one in trouble!?!  How in the hell is that at all fair!

Anyway, my brother just recently got back from picking cherries in Kelowna for 5weeks, again he left and didn’t bother to call anyone.  My mom was talking to me in depth about kicking him out when he gets back.  And guess what happened!?  As soon as he got back, my mom decided it was time for ME to move out!!!  Yeah, thats right, she came into work one day, called me into her office and said, “Ok, so, you’re moving out.”  I was given until this past Sunday (I was told Thursday) to get the fuck out.

Not only was I pissed that because of him I was getting kicked out, but my mom even told my brother she would “help with rent” when he was able to move out!!!  Can you believe that shit!?  She’ll help him, her son, who has substance abuse problems, treats the family like shit, doesn’t have a licence, doesn’t have a job and abuses everything he is given…but fuck…don’t help the daughter that busts her ass in school, has earned her own money since the age of 13, hasn’t asked for a thing, has her licence, has a car she pays for, buys her own necessities and is responsible!  Oh fuck…that’d be too much.

So I move my stuff into my bf’s house, cuz seriously, where else am I supposed to live?  With the retired RCMP, undercover, drug section officer, turned Baptist Minister, father?  I think NOT.  So what happens when I move my stuff into the bf’s place?  Well, lets just say Prince Charming turned back into a big fat warty toad, freaked out about me “actually living” there and treated me like crap the entire weekend up until last night.  But even last night he was a jerk!  He acted as tho I was stealing his soul, not moving a couple of boxes and my clothes in.  He totally freaked out!  Wants me to sign a “pre-nup” now, which is waaaaay beyond me…cuz seriously, I’m like moving in a renting a room, not taking over the planet!  He wants to know his house, cars, and TV and shit are all “secure”, like I’m gonna move out and say everything is mine.  This coming from the man that says he wants to marry me???  WHAT!?!

Can you see my confusion!?  I mean I understand that what is his, is his.  I have nothing to do with that house financially and frankly can’t afford to contribute even a percentage right now, nevermind half, so I know where I stand in regards to ownership.  I simply don’t have any!  Yet he still insists I call it “our” house, which I don’t, and he tells me he wants me there, and he wants to help support me right now…but then whips out the documents!?  I mean I get it, I’m not dumb, I am a child of divorced parents and know damn well that one person can get taken for all their shit because of a break up.  But to have me sign something just to move my stuff over seems ridiculous.  Nothing but the moving of possessions has changed.

So now here I sit, venting on the only outlet I feel I have.  My plan is simply this…move out of the bf’s place and get my own close to school.  With the money I’ve saved I should be able to pay for 4 months rent and still have money for food and such, but I will need a part time job on weekends to get some extra cash.  Once January comes and I’m able to work full time I’ll just take one course at school, work and manage to live.  It will postpone my degree, again, but I’ll only have 3 courses left, so that will be 3 semesters, 2 if I can really put my all into it.

I’m at a total crossroads in life and while I’m feeling rejected, upset and alone, I also feel a great amount of freedom.  It’s my turn to decide how my life goes, my turn to plan my future, and my turn to have my own belongings.  As shitty as it is, I can only thank the universe for giving me what I probably really need.  I believe that nothing put in front of me is unattainable and I just need to make a solid plan for how best to proceed.

It’ll be rough…it’ll probably be one of the worst things I could go through at this moment in my life…but what else can I do but put my nose to the grindstone, suck it up and do it right.

So, with slurpee in hand, I toast myself, to new beginnings, freedom and hard work!

Prince Charming’s friend offered to give him his last month of Ziban, which is a pill to help you stop smoking.  He used to smoke 2 packs a day and hasn’t smoked a single cigarette since using Ziban…which is about 2 years.  Said he doesn’t even get cravings!!!  Only side effect he suffered was nightmares…and I’ve been having enough of those without the drug lately!  So I guess that’s not bad.

Anyone have any healthy, organic, drug free ways to stop smoking that won’t make me a witch, or gain weight!?!